I think you have a great first draft, filled with your own words and thoughts. Some of your examples are great and the personal connections are spot on. I would focus more on adding specific statistics and quotes that really highlight your topic. I think readers with this topic need the numbers to really see what you are trying to prove. In your paragraph connecting your topic with art and science add quotes and really dive into conversation with Lehrer and Ma. I think if you expand your ideas more and really provide strong supporting evidence it will be a fantastic paper that really sends a message home with the reader. The ideas and main points are there, but consider making them more clear to the reader by having clear concise topic and transition sentences. All your thoughts are on paper and now its just making connections between what you learned about your topic and the readings for class. I think with the expansion on topics and connections it will be a great essay!
https://files.uneportfolio.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/1815/2019/11/Peer-review-3.pdf
Wow! Your peer-review looks amazing. It’s clear to me that you gave your peer’s paper a thorough read, as you managed to comment on nearly every line in the paper. You engaged your peer’s ideas, evidence, and organizational choices. Fantastic work!