BEFORE:
When someone says what are you going to do to be successful, what do you first think of? Do you think of occupations? If so, which ones? I can guarantee most everyone thought of a doctor or an engineer, something within science, technology, and math. No one will say I am going to be a musician because if they did society would tell them to put their instrument in the case and put it far under their bed. As a society we encourage those who say they want to be doctors and engineers but we discredit and discourage those who want to pursue the humanities and arts. This has been happening for long enough. We have placed significant value in very few fields and areas of study while getting rid of anything deemed unworthy of time which is doing more harm than the intended good. A social and educational reform is needed to establish what is deemed important and of value in our society by integrating the arts and sciences to change how the younger generations perceive success. Instead of teaching the new generations that art and humanities are no longer valuable we should allow them to draw the conclusion themselves and decide if they deem it worthy or not. Currently art is being cut out of educational programs drastically. No longer are the younger generations allowed to learn such frivolous things.
AFTER:
When someone says what are you going to do to be successful, what do you first think of? Do you think of occupations? If so, which ones? I can guarantee most everyone thought of a doctor or an engineer, something within science, technology, and math. No one will say I am going to be a musician because if they did society would tell them to put their instrument in the case and put it far under their bed. As a society we encourage those who say they want to be doctors and engineers but we discredit and discourage those who want to pursue the humanities and arts. We have placed significant value in very few fields and areas of study while disregarding anything deemed unworthy of time. A social and educational reform is needed to establish what is deemed important and of value in our society by integrating the arts into science to change how the younger generations perceive success.
Through this exercise I learned that my introduction paragraph was very wordy and needed to be trimmed down. I had included a lot of excess unnecessary words. My introductory paragraph is now a lot more clearer and concise. I feel this revision strategy really helped show the most important arguments and sentences that were pertinent to my essay.
